The man behind the mask (PT. 1)

Hi.

How are you doing?

Good I hope. My name is Anonymous Church Member and I want to tell you a story. Part of my story. This is not an ordinary story, it’s part of mine. Names,places and events have been changed so that I don’t get in to deep.

It will also be in a different format. 

It won’t be paragraph after paragraph, but more like a conversation. I am not a writer, but just a person wanting to tell a story. Mine.

My back story – 1) Married       2) Four kids       3) Bachelors in Theology   5) Failure

My life has been pretty simple. Got married young. Had some kids. Got a bachelors degree. I work 2.5 jobs just trying to make ends meat. 

I have friends. I have loving parents. They got divorced when I was young, but have loved me regardless of them being apart. 

I graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA and a few extra credits also. I had dreams. Dreams that could soar high above the clouds. I thought I was doing everything properly. I went to Bible college, I worked at a church, and was thinking I would be a pastor soon!

But, boy was I wrong. Long story short. I got screwed over pretty hard by a church I was involved with for over 20 years. I did a little of everything there. I preached, played in the band, ran sound, and I was in charge of small groups. I had much responsibility.

But one day, it was almost as if they forgot about me.     And I left.

Heart broken.

Alone. 

Neglected. 

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With out giving you all the details, I need to explain something to you about me. 

I have always had big dreams. I have always wanted to do something great. – but never have. 

I also never told anyone how I really felt. I put on a great mask that hid how I truly was feeling. Little did any one know, I was broken. Crying on the inside. Wanting to go away and never come back.

Two times in my life I wanted commit suicide. I almost drowned myself and the second time I thought about slicing my wrists. But didn’t. I never went through with it. My mind was hell. And no one knew it. I was not the Christian man that people thought I was on the outside. I was falling apart. 
No one cared. I was alone. My life in my mind was one big lie. I was a Christian. I was a broken Chrisitan. Feeling that God forgot about me.
I was ok with this. God was finished with me and my life was never destined for greatness. 

I was going to just be an ordinary person. Stuck in mediocrity. I was alone. Surrounded by people all by myself. 

Or so I thought. Help was coming. 

Just not right this second.

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Next time on my blog.  Playing with fire

Twitter – @anonchurchmembr 

It’s been awhile…

Guys, it’s been awhile since I have posted anything on my blog. I have been going through some things mentally,physically, and spiritually over the past months that have really taken a toll on me.

In the next month or so I will be posting probably 4 or so blog posts kind of giving an over view of what has been going on. 

It is something I have been thinking about doing and I believe it’s time for me to write about my smuggles. 

Depression, failure, regret, giving up.

That is just a few I will be talking about. 

Thank you for giving me a chance to talk about what I have been going though.
– ACM 

“My Anonymous Life”

 

 

 

Do you see that circle? Its there on the left. That is me. That is where I am. Hidden in the crowd of people. Looking on in wonder of the pastor on stage. One day I will be a pastor up there. Probably not in a crowd this big. But still on stage, preaching to people. That is my dream one day.

 

For now, I will sit and wait quietly, study, and pray. I have my bachelors degree and soon am going to start my masters degree. This is all true. I have not made up any of that. I will also keep running my “Anon” twitter account. The Anonymous church member.

 

The whole point of this blog post is to give you an idea of what it is like in the day and life of an anonymous church member.

I live a very quiet life. I work about 65 hours a week. I also have a family to take care of. I get up at about 5:00 every morning and don’t get to bed till about 10:00 at night. The getting up at 5 isn’t for prayer and meditation either. It’s for work. I go through my day like this:

Working.

Working.

Working.

Then all of a sudden it hits me.  *Something I believe is funny that I can put on Twitter*

Working.

Working.

 

That is pretty much how it works. I know exciting right? I am a very boring person in real life. I just anonymously just go to work. Do my thing. Come home. Play with my kids. Take a nap. Then do my honey do list. Take a shower and go to bed. Then rinse and repeat.

 

When the weekend comes, I usually work Saturdays. Sundays are my only full day off. When I go to church I drop my kids off at their appropriate classes and then head to the sanctuary and slide into my seat towards the back row. Sorry BackrowBaptist, I just can not sit there. I lost my glasses and it is tough to see the stage. I sit there doing my best to not fall asleep, astutely listening to the pastor preach. After service, I grab my kids and head home.

 

Now here is the thing. I am truly anonymous at my church. I am truly anonymous at my job. If I left not many people would really notice. I am just another face in the crowd. But that is according to what every one sees when they look at me. That is not truly how I see myself.

 

I see my self one day as a pastor of a church influencing a congregation of people. Whether it will be a church of 100 or 10,000 I will gladly accept what ever God gives me. I am going to do the Godly thing and quote a verse here. Jeremiah 29:11. Every one knows that verse. Everyone uses it out of context. So let me bring it into context. (Click here to read the whole chapter). This verse was written about the exiles in Babylon. They were taken away to a far away country and left with what looked like no hope.  This was hope given to them that one day they would return back to their home land. So when reading it, I recommend reading verse 10. Which says that when the 70 years of exile are over, they would be brought back, because God knows the plans He has for them.

How do I make that make sense in the context of what I am talking about? I know the plans God has for me. I know that one day He will put me in the position of pastor and let me lead a church.The catch is getting there. Right now I am in a place like Babylon. Far away from where my heart is. In a land looking for the time when my exile is over. Some times it seems like I am forgotten. Like I am just a random anonymous person with a dream. Then I remember how far God has brought me. How much He truly loves me. That I am not forgotten and that He knows me by name.

 

To all who read this that are going through a hard and difficult time. Remember that God has not forgotten about you no matter how insignificant you feel. It does suck really bad being in Babylon, but remember God knows you by name. To become a diamond you first have to be coal and go through a ton of pressure and heat. It hurts. On the other side though you will shine with the beauty God has truly given to you.

 

Are you going through difficult times where you feel like you are just an anonymous person?

 

 

 

Follow me on Twitter: @anonchurchmembr
Email: Churchmemberanon@gmail.com
Churchmemberanon.wordpress.com
theanonchurch.org